Alias- A Tale of Two Sloanes and a Sander

Ah, yes, this was a veddy, veddy good episode (FYI, I'm clasping my hands together evily.) I did actually have a post all written and everything, but somebody came on the computor and didn't save it, so I may skip over some stuff. But anyway...You kind of need to know a little bit of what went on last week to understand this week, so here is the...

Recap in Two- okay, maybe three- Sentences or Less!!!
Vaughn's still gone, Sydney's still lying, Nadia's visiting Katya in prison- almost kills her with chocolate (bummer), Katya says that Irina did not order hit on Sydney (what a mom), Sydney believes her (stupid, stupid Sydney), Daddy may have a genetic mutation (although why he'd want to reproduce again when he already has a daughter that can run around in a bikini and fire a rifle I'll never know), and some Hot Blond Chick in France is trying to seduce Vaughn (her name was so important to the story that I forgot it.). *deep breath* Vaughn is going all anti-CIA with the scary black dude, scary black dude works for Sloane, Sloane was the one that killed Mom, and Mom killed Vaughn's dad (I'm sensing difficult Christmas issues...). All this and a creepy Russian jewelry box too!!!

Moving on...

There are two main story lines in this one, but they end up being connected.
1.) One is very long and complicated but takes place mainly at the CIA office.
2.) The other involves a woman with a teddy bear being inexplicably kidnapped by -who else?- Russians and held against her will to build some ancient machine or something. I told you, I don't understand this show...

So here's what went on...Syndey and Vaughn (who is being welcomed with open arms despite the fact that he just got back from BEING ROUGE ) are telling Jack about the fact that Mom (Irina) didn't order the hit on Sydney's life, and that Sloane set things up so that Jack would kill her. Jack goes postal and corners Sloane in what apears to be a bathroom and points a gun at his face. Does a whole little "You made me kill the woman I spent my life with, even though she kinda tried to kill my daughter, it's still not nice so now I"m going to kill you too" thing, but Sloane denies it. Now, in the real world, Jack would realize that Sloane is a TERRORIST who had an affair with said "woman he spent his life with" and even had a child with her, and therefore probably is not telling the truth. Jack would then kill him. However, in Alias world, Jack believes everything Sloane says about being set up and somebody else was paying Irina and blah, blah, blah. Anyhoo, they come out of that bathroom practically hugging each other.

Slight Editorial: The audience , while realizing that there is a chance that Sloane is lying, know that Katya was being so fishy and so Irina-like to Sydney in the jail that she's probably the one that's lying. The audience is then okay with accepting the writers rather lame attempt tie this baby up because we are confident in the fact that we are much smarter.

Sydney, of course, believes Sloane, too. Uh-huh. Vaughn, however, is the only one with half a brain and says "Wait a minute. Let's get Scary Black Dude over here and he'll tell us if he really is working with Sloane". Well, the whole little CIA team think this is a good idea, and all crowd around the two-way mirror to watch. Shockingly (yeah), Scary Black Dude doesn't think that Sloane is the one he was working for, but he definately looks like Sloane.

~~~Cut to someplace in Russia~~~

The creepy guy who was holding the poor woman captive and making her build some sort of ancient thing (I'm guessing this is connected to this Rimbaldi thing I keep hearing about), actually does look like Sloane! In fact, so much so that I'm startled and jump back in my chair. Apparently, the woman is not willing to spend the rest of her life in a lab working for people of unidentifiable eastern European background. And with good reason. Can you name a single eastern European lab that hasn't been part of killing people in new and exciting ways? Hmmm? Can you? Didn't think so. Well, Fake Sloane (whose real name is Davis or something boring. Don't worry, we'll get to better names in a minute.) doesn't take too kindly to this and whips out a belt sander. At this moment, I start having CSI:NY flashbacks- is this woman connected to the Tanglewood boys??? Wait, I'm watching a differnt network...k, got it now... Yeah, you can pretty much tell where he's going with that, and it ain't pretty. *shivers*

Back in Glassland...um...I mean, CIA headquarters, all the little agents are sitting around coming up with fun names for this other Sloane. "Sloane Clone" "Arvin Clone" "Marvin Sloane"- for this the U.S. is paying them? And don't they have anythign better to do? I guess Windexing all that glass must get pretty tiring day after day...
Anyhoo, they need a plan to try to find this other Sloane (who will now be referred to as "Sloane Clone" or simply S.C. because I think it's funny). They decide to use Scary Black Dude as bait, and send him into some hotel with the coil (that I stil haven't figured out what it does. I'm assuming it also has something to do with this Rimaldi thing I keep hearing about.). The ENTIRE team will be functioning as backup. Vaughn's a guy in the lobby, the bartender seems to be in on it, Jack is a bellhop or something...no, no, I'm kidding, Jack's not a bellhop. But he should be suplimenting his income someway, because since he started glowing he hasn't really done anything.

So Scary Black Dude goes in and sits down at a bar. Of course, this gives Sydney a chance to go undercover as some reincarnation of a Slut. Today she's wearing a stewardess outfil and pigails. PIGTAILS. Ugh. Sydney, hon, if you dont' think boys have cooties anymore, you shoudn't be in pigtails, k? Another scary guy shows up, he and Scary Black Dude run away with the coil, and Sydney chases after them. Uh-huh. Like the bright red stewardess uniform and pigtails aren't noticable. *rolls eyes* They go into an elevator, which, to make a long story short, gets cut and they end up going crashing to the bottom of the building. Clearly, they're all dead.

Stewardess Barbie...I'm sorry, Sydney, runs after them and finds them dead on the floor. Bummer. Worse, somebody has just taken the coil!!! (Presumably S.C.). From what follows, it become clear to the audience that pigtails deaden your brain cells, because Sydney just stands there. Chase him, whore!!! You know what he looks like anyway!!!

Author's Note: After this I kind of get confused. This is how my viewing went.
7:33- No, Scary Black Dude Died!!! Sadness.
7:34- Wait, what's going on now?
7:35- Why do I watch this show? It's late and I'm hungry but I don't want to go eat because I could miss something. This isn't normal...
7:40- Maybe I'll get something to eat during the commercial break. No, too depressing to eat while watching Jennifer Garner prance around in a bikini or the like. Suspect a drink would go well, though. Darn, not legal yet.
And so forth...FYI, I didn't end up eating until after nine because I was so obesses with this show. I need a life...

Back in CIA headquarters, the gang decides something has to be done to get the coil back and find S.C. So Sydney (after having a painfully tender sister moment with Nadia- this show needs better writers!!) suggests that Sloane go to wherever it is that S.C. is and take back the coil because they look so much alike. Good plan, except S.C. is trying to build this Rimbaldi thing, and apparently Sloane goes crazy when he gets near the Rimbaldi thing. Yet they have him sit down with ancient papers and try to figure it out.

This is so a "Da Vinci Code" rip-off. Come on, people. I'll be Dan Brown could write better scripts...

Anyhoo, Nadia is upset because she knows that Sloane gets crazy. So she goes and yells at Sydney for no apparent reason, and then goes and has another painfully written tender moment with her father (aka evil international terrorist). Mr. Brown on line one?

Okay, so Sydney and Nadia and Sloane end up in this scary Russian Lab/Complex where this suspicious big red ball is being kept. Sydney, while there, doesn't spend a whole lot of time with the other two, presumably because she's out bikini shopping. She does pop in long enough to complain about having flashbacks to Moscow, which I later learned was something that happened first seaon with this big ball. Apparently it's important. Anyhoo, Sloane is getting crazy, and Nadia is getting worried. Good, Nadia, maybe you should have started worrying when you found out he probably kill your mother. Yeah.

The last part of the episode has Sloane alone in this big room with the red ball thingy, and Unimportant Extra Guy comes in. He demands that Sloane leave, becaus he has to do something with the big red ball thingy. Not the best thing to say to Sloane, who's already on the edge.

Sloane goes postal, saying "The Rimbaldi will never be yours, you don't understand it. It's about immortality!" (which prompted me to cry "Take it, it's yours!" much to the perplixity of those in the room with me...*blush*) and then starts bashing Unimportant Extra Guy's head in. The final scene is a one creepy-ass shot. Nadia comes in, and is somewhat upset to fnd her dad leaning over a dead guy (come on, Nadia, wake up!!) and screams or something. Sloane looks up with blood all over his face and a freaky ass grin and says something like "It's all over, sweetie." Uh-huh. Yeah. Totally don't understand that, but whatever.

Anyhoo, good episode, kind of freaky, with the Sloane Clone and all, but still really good. I don't, however, know what happened to the woman with the teddy bear. Hmmm. Next week, I think Jack starts to glow---ooooh!!!